I saw a sign today that said: Now Hiring. Oh how tempting that sign was!
This morning is a hard morning. In all transparency, I want to quit. Not quit life or anything like that, but "bite the bullet" and get a job and quit this radical faith journey God has me on. No...no...not quit my faith in God. I love Him. He is my anchor. But quit the "radical, illogical" part of my faith.
I've been off work since October, 2017 and really pressing in and hearing from the Lord in what He wants me to do. In this pressing I don't get extensive clarity and details. Instead, I get one step responses of what I'm supposed to do next. For a type A, planning personality this is extremely difficult because I thrive on details and strategic planning. Despite this DNA, I have been obedient with each small step and He has provided. Up until today I've had remarkable peace through the process and have truly enjoyed this season more than any other up to this point.
As time goes on it's getting harder and harder financially and this morning everything in me wants to quit and go get a secular job. I see man's "Now Hiring" sign like this one and I am ready to JUMP!
I've always been a very driven worker and helped provide financially for our family. My resume shows my work ethic. I know what it is to work long hours and pour myself into employment that compensates well. I always thought staying at home would be challenging and would never be for me. However, having the last five months to write and plan a start up nonprofit has truly been freeing. Every morning I wake up and answer only to God and what He wants. I have grown closer and more dependent on Him in this freeing place of my life. I am free to say, dream, and plan all the things He has birthed in me. There are no restrictions. Just me and God.
Yet, this morning I find myself for the first time in this process having an intense desire to quit because the pressure is so overwhelming. We are going on two years in July since we relocated to Memphis and I never thought we would be in a place of still renting after owning property since 1998. I genuinely don't want much. We are so low maintenance. A small little house in the woods...that would be a dream come true.
I want to plant and unpack. Don't judge. Yes, I still have boxes in the attic after almost 2 years because I didn't want to unpack if we were going to buy and move again...so I just kept a lot of things in boxes. I don't have things on my walls and haven't made any place we have lived here "home." I've kept a lot of those things in boxes so when we do plant, I can do that...make our place a home. We were in our home in Chicago for 13 years and for the past almost two years we have been in what feels like transition.
Then when these thoughts, of what feels like ungratefulness, seep in I honesty have to fight feeling guilty for not being grateful for where we are and how the Lord has provided. I look at a young girl in our circle who is my daughter's age who was told she has only 14 days to live and her family is grieving and holding on to the love of God with every breathe. I woke up weeping for them and saying STOP whining this morning Kaitrin!
As I have been writing and getting our nonprofit ready to launch I am fighting thoughts that I'm being irresponsible and lazy by not getting gainful employment to help our family financially. I know the promises God made to us are so huge and today the process of getting there feels extremely overwhelming.
Today, as I didn't want to walk this radical faith, I began looking for a job. I was literally about to click on "Apply" and my best friend text me and then immediately calls to war with me over the phone because she was also being severely attacked in the mind this morning. During that prayer time together I cried out that the "yoke was too heavy" and I didn't want to carry it today. I asked God for His yoke because we know from the word of God that His "yoke is easy" and His "burden is light" (Matthew 11:30). As we prayed I kept crying over and over: "God I put on your easy yoke this morning. I put on your easy yoke this morning. I put on your easy yoke this morning." Maybe you need to cry this out this morning as well.
It is in these moments that we have to stand on the promises God gave to us for the call on our lives. I honestly didn't ask for the call on mine. In fact, there are days where I wish I could've just been content working my secure County job with good pay and a pension and not feel called to the mission field. But I am called to reach, love, and share the freeing gospel with people who are bruised, battered and broken. And through the years and on today, I have had to consider the cost.
I share this vulnerable moment with you not for pity or sympathy but for two reasons: (1) to encourage the person who also wants to quit today, and (2) to ask for your prayer. If you have that entrepreneurial spirit, it's normal to want to quit and to feel guilty for wanting things that you perceive as small things and then see others with less or going through unthinkably difficult times.
Today, I chose to push forward and not quit and see what tomorrow brings. I cannot allow guilt or comparison to creep in. I have to give myself space to grieve, feel frustrated, and not have it all together. It's okay to have a weak day. We all have them. Putting up a facade is not genuine and it doesn't help others war through those days and seasons that will inevitably come. I will war through these emotions today and on the other side have a better and more Godly perspective. Give yourself space for these emotions BUT war through them and don't stay stuck there.
It was through warring in His presence this morning with a friend that I got the perspective to cry for "His easy yoke" to carry today. I chose today not to quit even though I feel like it.
You may find yourself isolated and lonely and don't have anyone you feel safe warring with and you don't personally have the energy to war because you feel so low and tired. If this is you and you need prayer, leave me a message under "Contact Me" or leave me a comment. I would love to come alongside and pray a word of encouragement over you. We're in this together! Don't quit! Be encouraged! People need what God has placed inside of you. If God allowed me to have this weak day of wanting to quit to encourage you, then AMEN! I took the assignment and am warring through to the promise land, in Jesus powerful name!
Update since original post:
March 8, 2018
Well, I did quit later in the day right after writing and posting this blog. I threw what I will call a "temper tantrum" and decided I didn't want to start the nonprofit. I would just bite the bullet and get one of those high paying and powered jobs I know my law degree and experience could get me. I was angry, frustrated, and down right had an ugly day. I took this blog down and took the tab to enter my blog off my website and deactivated all social media. In my ugliness I literally shut everything down, physically and emotionally. I became numb that day. I went to the post office box to pick up mail at around 4:30 pm and on the exact day I quit I got my business EIN, which is the last step to submitting all the paperwork to file with the IRS for tax exempt.
That night my husband, rebuked me in love, and told me to get out of bed and go reactivate my blog because it wasn't about me. He reminded me of the women who send me messages after blogs and women who stop me at church to thank me for the words I share. Just because I was having an ugly day and felt numb, I couldn't shut down the very thing that was blessing other people. I reluctantly got out of bed and reactivate only the blog. Everything else was still shut down. I didn't even recognize myself. I know how to war and God always helped me to push through these types of moments.
The next day I woke up and declared...today is a new day. I may have quit yesterday, but today I chose not to quit and this is the day that the Lord has made, and I will rejoice and be glad in it. I went to my women's prayer group (which I had to fight to get myself to go) and WOW the women prayed over me without prompting. They knew there was an attack going on and they affirmed and confirmed so many things for me. They spoke prophetically over me and helped to reignite the flame inside of me. I thank God for these women who at my lowest place, empowered me. Also, thank you to all the women who text and instant messaged me asking if I was okay because you noticed I had everything shut down.
I pray if you are going through a period of shutting down emotionally and physically that you surround yourself with Godly people who are going to lay hands on you and pray against any attacks and insecurities. We all have them. Accountability is so key. I thank God for my best friend texting and calling at the precise time I needed, my husband rebuking me in love and making me republish everything, for the women in my prayer group, and the women who noticed that I wasn't my normal self on social media and on my blog. I can't imagine if I didn't have all these safe guards in my life if my decision to quit would have lasted more than one day. If you don't have these, get them. Ask God to send them and then you take the step to surround yourself with them. You have to take action to set them up and let the right people in.
Today I also asked God to reveal to me someone who may need one of those nudges of encouragement to a woman who has quit and needs a recharge. The people who reached out to me when I was in "shut down" mode may have just thought it was a text or message, but it was a message to me that people care. People notice. God knows....I surely don't write these blogs for me. It is truly for others and how dare I think that they don't matter and I can just remove them because I am having an ugly day. Today, would you join me and pray and the Holy Spirit to use you to reignite someone's fire that is flickering or has gone out? We need each other people of God! Let's stop being petty, jealous, prideful, unforgiving and love one another into all that God has called us to be individually and collectively. I may have quit, but I am not a quitter!